My Amazon Affiliate Link (new. thanks G.M.) to buy the How of Happiness.

Unlike the latest study or articles that suggests if you adapt the latest habit you will be happy, there is actual science to increasing your transformational or permanent happiness.  I am calling this transformational happiness because it is your new happiness that you create and it is a permanent way of living.  Many of the suggestions in articles that might be titled “21 days to happiness” can increase your momentary happiness, however, they won’t increase your overall happiness long term. 

Achieving permanent or transformational happiness is possible.  The definitive book on happiness is the How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want by Sonia Lyubomirsky.  I have read this book now at least 3 times and finally, I am moved to actually write about this very important topic perhaps because I have a better appreciation of its approach and what it says.

This article is long and comprehensive. However, it’s shorter than the 357 pages of the book and I have supplemented where needed and highlighted what you need to know. This is one of the 4 main important areas of life that I include in my wishes for you. I think you will find reading about this to be enjoyable and useful for the rest of your life.

As always, I wish you health, HAPPINESS, love, and abundance.

Transformational Happiness is a Skill That Can Be Learned

Like hope, optimism, gratitude, or positive thinking, we can actually learn these happiness skills and train the neurons in our brains to create new pathways.  Transformational Happiness is a skill that can be learned like riding a bicycle.  That is the good news.  While our happiness set point, the level of happiness we are naturally inclined to be is affected 50% by our genetics and 10% by our life circumstances (parents, marriage, income, or location), the other 40% can be increased or decreased by what we DO and what we THINK. 

In other words, we have control over our happiness levels by developing skills and habits that influence what we do and think.  Like yoga, or weights-training, or jogging, once you learn and make a commitment to practicing, the benefits last a lifetime as long as you practice.

In this article, we will discuss the research that proves you can learn to be happy right now (i.e. change your beliefs), describe 13 habits that can make you happy, and then how to create your own personal happiness strategy and routine to remain happy for the rest of your life.

I must caution that I also want to differentiate transformational happiness from the vitality of being your True Self (like Daniel Winnicott, who distinguished between the true self versus false self). Being connected (i.e. not dissociated) brings ALIVENESS. Transformational happiness will be more readily available to those who are conscious and connected to themselves, i.e. for those who already have an evolved mind. Then it’s a matter of using the strategies discussed here to raise your level of elan or joy.

Why Be Happy?

Once you take the time to learn this skill and train it to be a habit, your happiness for the rest of your life would be increased.  What would happen if you could increase your happiness by 10%–would you feel better?  So instead of being a 7/10 or 8/10, you were an 8/10 or 9/10?  Just as importantly, happiness also has multiple benefits.  Happier people are more sociable, energetic, and better-liked by others.  Happier people are more likely to stay married longer and have a richer social network.  They are better leaders and earn more money.  They are more resilient, have healthier immune systems, and live longer. 

Most people actually Do + HAVE = BE. This is backward. What research is showing, if you have happiness first i.e. Be happy, then money and love follow. So people who are happier experience better health, happiness, love, and abundance. So it is important to have the right order of the formula: BE + DO = HAVE. Like self-compassion, this is a skill worth learning.

We will look at both the research on Happiness Before Money and Happiness Before Love next.

Happiness Before Money and Success

For money and success, Shawn Anchor, who was a former Harvard Professor and known for having the most popular course at Harvard (it was about Happiness), notes that the traditional formula for happiness is work hard, be successful, be happy.  As he notes in the Ted Talk (https://www.ted.com/talks/shawn_achor_the_happy_secret_to_better_work/transcript?language=en) in actual fact all his studies have shown the exact opposite. 

“But our brains work in the opposite order. If you can raise somebody’s level of positivity in the present, then their brain experiences what we now call a happiness advantage, which is your brain at positive performs significantly better than at negative, neutral or stressed. Your intelligence rises, your creativity rises, your energy levels rise. In fact, we’ve found that every single business outcome improves. Your brain at positive is 31% more productive than your brain at negative, neutral or stressed. You’re 37% better at sales. Doctors are 19 percent faster, more accurate at coming up with the correct diagnosis when positive instead of negative, neutral or stressed”.

In other words, be happy, work better, and be more successful and the money will follow (proven in studies).

Happiness Before Better Relationships

The How of Happiness also reports that in another study, undergraduates who expressed joy in their college yearbook photos were relatively more likely to be married by age 27 and also have more satisfying marriages still at age 52 (i.e. 25 years later). 

3 Parts to Learning Happiness

The How of Happiness is divided into 3 sections: the first in letting us understand how science came to conclude that 40% of our happiness is under our control; and the beliefs you need to change.  The second section gives 13 activities that can increase your happiness permanently (I added the thirteenth).  The last section is a guide to implement happiness so that it increases your overall happiness set point and becomes habits.  The rest of this article will follow that format.  Unless indicated the material is my notes from the How of Happiness.  I would suggest that like Growth-Mindset or Grit, the How of Happiness is one of those books that I invite you to read and well worth the investment of your time.

Section 1: Happiness is A Skill That Can Be Learned

Interestingly as recently as 2001, most researchers were not only unaware of what strategies people could use to be happier but they also still thought that happiness could not be permanently increased.  First, they were aware that happiness is heritable and stable over a course of a person’s life, and second, that due to hedonistic adaptation, they believed people became used to the new positive changes and returned back to their original happiness set point.  In other words, just 20 years ago people did not think you could have transformational happiness i.e. increase your happiness levels permanently.

Twenty years ago, researchers believed inheriting a million dollars would make a person’s happiness increase only for a while and then return back to their original levels of well-being. (Note: well-being which comprises the physical, mental and emotional aspects of a person was coined as “subjective” well-being by Ed Dernier, the foremost researcher in well-being because happiness was too nebulous to get him promoted to tenure. LOL).  

In the How of Happiness, happiness is defined as “the experience of joy, contentment, or positive well-being, combined with a sense that one’s life is good, meaningful, and worthwhile.”  Lyubomirsky uses the terms subjective well-being and happiness interchangeably.  Because this includes life is meaningful, it is closer to the meaning of “authentic happiness”, which is used by Martin Seligman and is what I also call my “loving inner world”.

It is important to separate authentic happiness from Flourishing, which is the primary goal in life according to Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology. ( I wrote about this here.) Flourishing includes authentic happiness, plus relationships and work. Often books such as in the Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt will argue that happiness is both an inside job and an outside job where on the outside you need positive social relationships and meaningful work. This is flourishing, not authentic happiness, as I am writing about in this article. Notice as you read the conclusion to the Happiness Hypothesis that it is talking about flourishing, which is what some people believe you need to feel complete joy.

“I don’t believe there is an inspiring answer to the question,’What is the purpose of life?’  Yet by drawing on ancient wisdom and modern science, we can find compelling answers to the question of purpose within life.  The final version of the happiness hypothesis is that happiness comes from between. Happiness is not something you can find, acquire, or achieve directly. You have to get the conditions right and then wait.  Some of those conditions are within you, such as coherence among the parts and levels of your personality. Other conditions require relationships to things beyond you: Just as plants need sun, water, and good soil to thrive people need to love, work, and a connection to something larger.  It is worth striving to get the right relationships between yourself and others, between yourself and your work, and between yourself and something larger than yourself. If you get these relationships right, a sense of purpose and meaning will emerge.”

Quick Survey on How Happy You Are

(Subjective Happiness Scale from How of Happiness):

The following are done on a scale of 1,2,3,4,5,6 or 7—so you can choose the number that best describes you from 1 to 7. Only 4 questions, so just remember your score.

1)      In general, I consider myself to be  (1 is not a very happy person……….7 is a very happy person)

2)      Compared to most of my peers, I consider myself: (1 is less happy…….7 more happy)

3)      Some people are generally very happy.  They enjoy life regardless of what is going on, getting the most out of everything.  To what extent does this characterization describe you? (1 is not at all……..7 is a great deal)

4)      Some people are generally not very happy.  Although they are not depressed, they never seem as happy as they might be.  To what extent does this characterization describe you? (1 is a great deal….7 is not at all).

For my answers, I rated a 7,7,7,7—So my score is 28.  Divided by 4 and I get 7 as my subjective happiness score on Feb. 1, 2021.  The highest score is a 7 and the lowest score is a 1.  Most people score from 4.5 to 5.5 and retired people score 5.6.  No matter what your score, you can become happier. 

Myths About Happiness

Most of the research in positive psychology has only taken place in the last 20 years.  Therefore, there are many incorrect notions still floating around about happiness.  As we have seen, society beliefs like fat make us fat (which I have illustrated is false) remains persistent in society even though they are false.  Below we will list 3 beliefs that we must change or discreate from our minds in order to be open to the truth of happiness.

Myth 1: Happiness Must be “Found”

Many believe that happiness is out there if certain things will come to pass, like marrying your true love, secure the right job, or live in your dream home.  Research has shown that you can be happy right now.  Today, there is 40% of your happiness that you can increase through intentional activities that can transform you into a happier person permanently.

Myth 2: Happiness Lie in Changing Our Circumstances

If xyz happens, then I will be happy.  Many of us remember a past event when we were happy and therefore think if those times can be recreated then we would be happy.  In fact, all studies have shown less than 10% of your happiness is a result of the circumstance of life i.e. wealth, country, materialism, etc.

It is noted that the average person today in the US has material comfort to equal to the top 5% who lived 50 to 70 years ago.  In the 1940s, one-third of all homes in the US had no running water, no indoor toilets, no baths, and more than half, no central heating.  Only 40% completed grade 8, 25% completed high school, and 5% university.  In 1940, the average “happiness” score of Americans was 7.5 out of 10. 

Today in the US, the average house is twice the size, has running water and heat (unless you were caught in the Texas winter storm this week), plus TV, mobile phones, computers, cars and double the average income.  Yet, the happiness score is 7.2 out of 10. In other words, absolute material comforts do not increase happiness.

Many studies have shown that after an income of about $80,000, your incremental happiness does not increase by much.  However, it does increase. So making more money will increase your overall level of happiness..just not as incremental as much.  

Myth 3: You Were Born Happy or Not

This is the biggest belief that needs to be discreated.  Many people believe incorrectly you were either born happy or not.  Again this is of the fixed mindset era.  You were born an artist or not etc.  This notion is wrong.  Research has consistently shown that you can teach yourself to be happy.  

However, in some ways they were right.  There is something called hedonistic adaptation which reverts us back to our original set point of happiness.  This is when the good feel obtained from some significant life event such as marriage or sudden wealth, can boost your happiness score.  Alas, this sudden change in life circumstances goes away.  Those who get married get an increase in their happiness scale for the first 2 years only and then revert back to their regular score before they were married.  The culprit for hedonistic adaptation is rising expectations and social comparisons.  

Studying Identical and Fraternal Twins to Discover the Real Key to Happiness

The Happiness Twins Study by David Lykken et al at the University of Minnesota gives us the answer to how much genetics plays in our overall happiness.  Because identical twins have identical genes, we can determine how much environment and circumstances affect happiness. 

Take for example twins, Angela and Angelique.  They are identical twins and grew up together in Jakarta.  At age 23, one twin went to live in Los Angeles, USA and the other stayed in Jakarta.  We can measure the happiness scale of both twins 10 years later and adjust for things like marriage and environment.  It is as if we were able to take one person and have her first live in Jakarta for the next 10 years.  Then rewind the clock 10 years and have her move to Los Angeles.  The same person (trick because it is the twin) but in a different environment.  What happened to their happiness?  Could we predict their happiness from 10 years ago whether they lived in Jakarta or Los Angeles?

In the Happiness Twins study, income accounted for less than 2% of the variance in well-being, and marital status accounted for less than 1%.  Genetics accounted for 50%.  The happiness level of Angela 10 years ago was the greatest predictor of Angelique’s happiness today i.e. genetics predicted 50% of the happiness level.

Interestingly, we can then contrast that study with fraternal twins which only share about 50% of the genetic material compared to identical twins.  In that study, Andy’s (Andrew’s fraternal twin) 10-year happiness could not predict the happiness level of Andrew’s happiness (Andy’s fraternal twin).

Identical Twins Separated At Birth

Would this be confirmed by twins who were separated at birth and raised in different environments?  Yes.  The happier one twin was the happier the other twin was regardless of whether they grew up in the same household or on different coasts. 

While your set point for happiness is predetermined 50% by genetics, it doesn’t mean that you can’t change your happiness level.  In actual fact, we repeat, you can have transformational happiness regardless of genetics (50%) and circumstances (10%) because the other 40% is determined by your thoughts and what you do.  This 40% you have the ability to decide what you want to do i.e. choose thoughts that lead to happiness or unhappiness, and choose activities that lead to happiness or unhappiness.  The choice is yours—you can choose to be happier or choose to be less happy. 

Section 2: 13 THINGS WHICH CAN MAKE YOU HAPPIER

The next section lists the 13 things you can think or choose to be happy or less happy.  Happiness is something you can create by the thoughts, behaviors, and goals that you set every day.  Like eating, you decide to be not hungry by eating every day or you can decide to be hungry.  You can decide to feel happy every day or you can decide to feel unhappier every day.  The choice is yours.  Isn’t that wonderful to know? However, the bad news is that you now have to take 100% responsibility for your happiness in life.  

Happiness is a skill.  It can be learned.  Once you learn these skills, you can then apply them and like magic, you get a result.  It’s like riding a bicycle.  Once you learn, you can always decide to ride the bicycle or not.  You get enjoyment from riding the bicycle by riding the bicycle.  Not by sitting at home thinking about riding the bicycle.  You get happier by choosing any one of these 13 activities.  Some activities, you do them several times and the happiness level lasts for months.  Others such as exercise where your serotonin levels are activated may only last a few days  

Before trying and testing if these activities work for you, you can take your Oxford Happiness Score, which is a 29 Questionaire in the book, or found online here (happiness-survey.com).  I took the happiness-survey.com.  The average score is 4.3.  My score, on Feb. 3, 2021, was 5.7.

The 13 Happiness Activities are:

How You Think

1.       Gratitude

2.       Cultivating Optimism

3.       Avoiding Overthinking and Social Comparison

Social Relationships

4.       Nurturing Social Relationships

5.       Practicing Acts of Kindness

Managing Stress, Hardship, Trauma

6.       Developing Strategies for Coping with Stress

7.       Learning to Forgive

Living in the Present

8.       Increasing Flow Experiences

9.       Savoring Life’s Joys

10.   Committing to Your Goals

Taking Care of Your Body and Soul

11.   Practicing Religion

12.   A)Taking Care of our Body (Meditation)

B) Taking Care of our Body (Exercise)

C) Taking Care of our Body (Acting Like a Happy Person)

13. Humor (Mark added)

HOW YOU THINK

How you think about yourself, others, and your environment is more important than the circumstances in your life (i.e. income, etc.).  This was what Victor Frankly in Man’s Search for Meaning discovered and it was what allowed him to survive the horrors of the Holocaust.  Similarly, in our everyday life what we think about is very important to how to view our daily life and whether we are happy.

The first 3 habits of happiness are about how you think: a) gratitude, b) optimism, and c) overthinking and comparisons.

1.       Gratitude

In his book Gratitude Works!, Robert Emmons, the foremost researcher on gratitude note that due to positive psychology and the focus on happiness, gratitude has been merely a stepping stone towards creating personal happiness.  So we would like to remind the reader that gratitude goes far beyond a stepping stone for personal happiness.  In fact, it is also one of the most important elements of personal self-development because it has so many ramifications in creating love, health, happiness, and abundance. I wrote about it in my last newsletter, Bamboo Growth #40 here: Gratitude is the Most Important Skill.

“The single greatest thing you can do to change your life today would be to start being grateful for what you have today and the more grateful you are the more you get.”  Oprah Winfrey

We will focus on gratitude in this article regarding only happiness.  In the How of Happiness, the book notes that gratitude is a metastrategy for achieving happiness and that’s why it is the number one tool for happiness.  Robert Emmons defines gratitude as “a felt sense of wonder, thankfulness, and appreciation for life.”

Dr. Amit Sood and the Mayo Clinic

Dr. Amit Sood has done enough research with more than 50,000 people at the Mayo Clinic to be able to say that pursuing gratitude and compassion is a faster way to happiness than the pursuit of happiness itself. 

I think it bears repeating in the equation form:

Gratitude + Compassion = Happiness

Dr. Sood uses the neurobiology of the brain to note that the brain through evolution has focused on survival and safety versus happiness.  In the caveman days, our brain was designed for survival—and so in the default mode did lots of wandering versus focus.  Furthermore, it did not have as many distractions as today.  However, in the information age, compassion and gratitude have been shown to rewire the brain to enable it to focus and leads to happiness.

A Very Happy Brain

The pursuit of gratitude and compassion leads to happiness more than the pursuit of happiness. This is explained in this video here (4 mins and it is made for children like me).https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/GZZ0zpUQhBQ?rel=0&autoplay=0&showinfo=0&enablejsapi=0

Gratitude Boost Happiness in Eight Ways

1. It allows the savoring of positive life experiences. By savoring you’re able to extract the maximum satisfaction and enjoyment from your current circumstances.

2. Gratitude bolsters self-worth and self-esteem. When you realize people have done things for you or how much you have accomplished, you feel more confident and effective. Gratitude encourages you to consider what you value about your current life.

3. Gratitude helps people to cope with stress. It allows you to interpret your negative life experiences positively. Interestingly after the 911 terrorist attacks, gratitude was found to be the second most experienced emotion (sympathy was number one).

4. Gratitude encourages moral behavior. Grateful people are more likely to help others and be less materialistic (yet have more abundance).

5. Gratitude strengthens relationships. When you feel positive about your relationships, then you may enter a spiral up of a positive feedback loop. The more positive the person about the relationship the better like they are and more likely they are to win friends.

6. Gratitude reduces comparison by focusing the person on themselves and what they are grateful for versus comparing themselves to the Joneses (see activity #3).

7. Gratitude is incompatible with negative emotion. It’s hard to feel grateful which is a positive emotion and a negative emotion such as anger bitterness or greed at the same time.

8. Gratitude helps to reduce hedonics adoption by focusing on what you’re grateful for and the good things in your life. People don’t take those good things for granted which counteracts the effects of hedonic adaptation.

How to Practice Gratitude

In the Moment. This is very closely related to savoring (activity #9). In the moment or at any moment, you can be grateful for what you are seeing or feeling or remembering or envisioning.

One of my favorite ways of doing gratitude was thought to be my Ken Honda and Dr. Scott (Mind Valley). 1. Send gratitude in your mind to the other person. 2. Wait until you can see that they have received your gratitude by seeing them smile.

Gratitude Journal. Choose the time of day morning, afternoon, or evening and set aside several minutes to think about three to five things for which you’re grateful, including the individuals in your life. This should be done at least on average once per week.

However, some people may find the strategy benefits them if they do it daily or three times a week or twice a month. You need to determine the schedule that best fits you.  One of the things about gratitude journaling that has been noticed is that to prevent over practicing it, it’s good to have a strategy to vary it. For example, if you account for your blessings every day, you may get bored. You might instead want to express gratitude every day for two weeks, and then write only three times in the following two weeks.  

In-Person. Express gratitude directly to another person. Gratitude can also be done in person by phone, or letter, or face to face. Writing letters of gratitude, for example, has shown to boost happiness immediately and these boosts were maintained one week after the visit or even one month after. This was in a study done by Martin Seligman. However, even if you don’t send a letter, studies have actually shown that it was enough to continue to boost your happiness. In fact, writing letters of appreciation to others has been one of the most potent and moving exercises that psychology students have done year after year.

2.        Cultivating Optimism

Optimism and gratitude have a lot in common. They are both striving to look at the positive side of your current situation. However, while gratitude looks at the past and present, optimism anticipates a bright future. Optimism does not mean living in la-la land or that it’s without complications. In discussing optimism, here we will focus on a definition that says, optimism is not only thoughts of I will get there but also has a plan of how to get there.

The best-known exercise for this is called the best possible selves exercise which was invented by Laura King a professor at the University of Missouri Columbia.  Quite simply, she asked people to write for four consecutive days about what their future life would look like about their best possible future selves. Professor King found that people who wrote about their visions for 20 minutes per day over several days relative to those who didn’t write about their vision of their lives we’re more likely to show immediate increases in positive moods to be happier several weeks later and the report even fewer physical ailments several months later.

3.       Overthinking and Social Comparisons

This one may seem rather obvious. If you stop ruminating about bad things and stop comparing yourself to others, you probably will feel happier. There are several ways to do this. Many of these activities fall under the category of well-known anti-anxiety strategies. The first, if you’re ruminating is just to say stop. Another method is just to say I can stop now and think about this in 30 minutes or at some future time. A third practice is to distract yourself by reading or watching something funny or suspenseful to stop thinking about it. The fourth is just to talk to someone who is sympathetic to you. The last is just involves writing but rather than thinking about it, there you can also act to solve the problem.

Social Connections

Click Here to Watch Video: What Makes A Good Life?

The Harvard Study of Adult Development has followed the lives of 724 men since 1938.  Up to 3 years ago, there were still 60 men still living in their 90’s.  What the study found was an unequivocal correlation between the quality of relationships (spouses, family, and close relationships) and happiness and health.  Great relationships at age 50 equaled better happiness and health all the way through age 80 and beyond.  The men were happier, healthier, and had better brain health.  Here we notice a virtuous circle. If you have happy first, you have better relationships. And when you have good relationships, you are also happier.

4.       Nurturing Social Relationships.

This is what the Harvard Study is referring to.  It has been shown that people with quality relationships spend 5 hours more per week talking to each other.  I have previously commented on the 5 to 1 ratio noted by John Gottman of positive to negative interactions as the number one indicator of whether a marriage was headed to divorce or not.  You can read more here: How to be a Master in Relationships instead of a Disaster.

5.       Acts of Kindness. 

The best-known studied act of kindness is volunteering.  5 women who volunteered as peer supporters for 67 other MS women reported 7 times the global life satisfaction.  Random acts of kindness also have been helpful.  Kindness should not be mistaken with pernicious caregiving which is bad for your health and happiness.

Managing Stress, Hardship and Trauma

We know that in life there are all kinds of stresses, hardships and trauma. Someone dies, financial hardships, Covid-19 etc.   How we handle them can affect our levels of happiness.  I have written more extensively about posttraumatic growth here because it is an important concept which explains why those who undertake the courageous work of healing themselves of their core wounds and limiting beliefs, experience significant growth in their lives. 

6.       Strategies for Coping with Hardships

There are two main ways of coping: problem-focused strategies i.e. solving the problem or get advice or make a plan of action.  The second way is emotional coping which might involve getting distracted, perform a physical activity or seek emotional support by talking to a friend.

Finding some benefit or value from a negative event in life is a good coping mechanism.  Some people can see that benefits in the growth in maturity or strength of character that they experienced as a result of the trauma.  Often people will also have a greater appreciation of life and one must live more fully in the present.  For example, one study showed that men who had heart attacks and believed they had grown or matured and took steps to reduce stress or revalued home life were less likely to have a future heart attack and were more healthy 8 years later.  In contrast, those who didn’t take responsibility for their lives and blamed other people or events (stress) were more likely to be in poorer health.

Some psychologists believe that finding benefit in trauma represents true personal transformation.  Researchers have studied terminal illness, sexual assault, divorce, a home loss to natural disasters, and captivity.  

While many are aware of post-traumatic stress, many are unaware of post-traumatic growth.  This is understanding the old saying that what does not kill me, makes me stronger.  Trauma can also have post-traumatic growth if the person can learn from it. People who can view the positive attributes of trauma were able to get over it quicker. One of the ways of construing a benefit in trauma is through writing or conversing. This can be done through journal writing which sometimes creates the thoughts required for post-traumatic growth.

The ABCDE Method for Coping

In cognitive therapy, there’s a coping mechanism which they call the abcde method.

• “a” is for adversity,
• “b” is belief,
• “c” is for consequence,
• “d” for disputation, and
• “e” for energize.

1. Write down the nature of the adversity. For example, my best friend hasn’t called me in three weeks.

2. Identify any negative beliefs triggered by this problem. For example, I’m terrified that she doesn’t think I am a good person

3. Record the consequences of the problem; how you’re feeling and acting as a result. For example, I’m not calling her I’m avoiding her

4. Dispute the negative belief challenging or thinking of other possible reasons for the problem. For example, she might just be busy and she hasn’t been able to call back or she might be on vacation.

5. Considering the more optimistic explanation of your problem can energize you and lift your spirits. Think more positively that you’re fine; then, just feel that more positive energy in your body.

7.       Forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of those spiritual principles which is often misunderstood especially by me (LOL). There are many reasons why we forgive. However, the best one I like is that we forgive not necessarily the person, but we’re forgiving ourselves for the situation. By forgiving ourselves, we stop repeating the damage in our heads. By not letting go of the issue, in our minds, we are continually hurting ourselves by repeating the scene over and over and over again. Because the mind “does not know” what is real versus what is imagined, we continue to retraumatize ourselves by repeating the incident in our minds. By forgiving ourselves, and the other person if we need, we are able the recording in our minds.

Forgiveness is one of the areas which Vishen Lakiani notes have the greatest effect on changing the brains’ measured capacity to reach into the “spiritual guru’s” zone.  You can do forgiveness in your imagination, by a letter AND you don’t send, or in-person (if you want to restore the relationship—this can backfire).

My favorite forgiveness practice because it is the only one I know and others have stated that it works (Psychology Today has an article that it does reduce revengeful feelings) is the Hawaiian Prayer of Ho’oponopono.  The following is taken from an article verbatim so it’s all in quotes from Laughter On-Line University. https://www.laughteronlineuniversity.com/hooponopono-4-simple-steps/

“Ho’oponopono: How to practice it in 4 simple steps

A powerful Hawaiian prayer

Hawaiian forgiveness

There are four simple steps to this method, and the order is not that important. Repentance, Forgiveness, Gratitude and Love are the only forces at work – but these forces have amazing power.

The best part of the updated version of Ho’oponopono is you can do it yourself, you don’t need anyone else to be there, you don’t need anyone to hear you. You can “say” the words in your head. The power is in the feeling and in the willingness of the Universe to forgive and love.

Step 1: Repentance – I’M SORRY

As I mention above, you are responsible for everything in your mind, even if it seems to be “out there.” Once you realize that, it’s very natural to feel sorry. I know I sure do. If I hear of a tornado, I am so full of remorse that something in my consciousness has created that idea. I’m so very sorry that someone I know has a broken bone that I realize I have caused.

This realization can be painful, and you will likely resist accepting responsibility for the “out there” kind of problems until you start to practice this method on your more obvious “in here” problems and see results.

So choose something that you already know you’ve caused for yourself? Over-weight? Addicted to nicotine, alcohol or some other substance? Do you have anger issues? Health problems? Start there and say you’re sorry. That’s the whole step: I’M SORRY. Although I think it is more powerful if you say it more clearly: “I realize that I am responsible for the (issue) in my life and I feel terrible remorse that something in my consciousness has caused this.”

Step 2: Ask Forgiveness – PLEASE FORGIVE ME

Don’t worry about who you’re asking. Just ask! PLEASE FORGIVE ME. Say it over and over. Mean it. Remember your remorse from step 1 as you ask to be forgiven.

Step 3: Gratitude – THANK YOU

Say “THANK YOU” – again it doesn’t really matter who or what you’re thanking. Thank your body for all it does for you. Thank yourself for being the best you can be. Thank God. Thank the Universe. Thank whatever it was that just forgave you. Just keep saying THANK YOU.

Step 4: Love – I LOVE YOU

This can also be step 1. Say I LOVE YOU. Say it to your body, say it to God. Say I LOVE YOU to the air you breathe, to the house that shelters you. Say I LOVE YOU to your challenges. Say it over and over. Mean it. Feel it. There is nothing as powerful as Love.”

Living in the Present

It should come as no surprise that if we do things that make us happy, while we are present, then we will feel happy—that is the promise of flow and savoring.  When we are present, we are also being our authentic selves, being connected to the universe.  You can also just imagine those moments and that also will create happiness—this is savoring.

8.       Flow

When we get caught up in what we are doing—writing, playing, painting, listening to music—and we completely lose track of time.  That is flow.  The term was created by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (chic-SENT-mi-hi) to describe the states he experienced while watching artists, writers, etc. who got intensely absorb and involved during the present moment.  They found the actual process intrinsically rewarding. 

Flow was the metaphor that some used…it was as if they were being carried along by a current.  After years of studying, we now know that flow can be created by anyone by establishing a balance between skills and challenges.  If it is too difficult for your level of skill or expertise, then you will feel anxious and overwhelmed.  If it is too easy, you become bored.  Flow happens between boredom and anxiety.

In terms of looking at work, we can think of work as being either a job, or a career, or a calling. It depends on what you look to see and how you view your own work. You can either be a bricklayer laying bricks, building a building, or building a church. Let us strive for super flow: this is actually learning and being in the flow as much as possible and for long periods of time.

Training Yourself to Be In Flow

Some people can experience flow in everyday activities, while others experience flow in exciting or captivating events.  Like happiness, you can actually train yourself to experience flow.  Flow is intrinsically rewarding.  Second, because we like flow, we will often repeat them.  When we repeat activities, we normally get good at them, and then we reach a state of boredom.  It is at these points where we need to raise our goals, to challenge ourselves so we are back in flow—not too high or we are anxious, but not too low that we are bored.

As I am writing this, I realized that this very week, I had dropped out of flow and had to readjust.  I am writing every day at least 250 words, with today being 73 consecutive days.  As I write, I am publishing pieces of my book serially via my newsletter.  I am writing with an accountability partner who is also writing—and she is on day 83.  She raised her daily writing total to a minimum of 500 words.  So I thought I could match her.  However, last week after 4 days, I found I was too anxious.  While I could do it for the 4 days, I spent more time thinking about whether I was able to write for 500 words and what I was going to find to write.  Needless to say, it was 4 days of writing after 6 pm, instead of in the morning, with lots of anxiety.  Instead, I realized it was not working and dropped it back to 250 for myself.  For the last 3 days, I have still written above 500 words, but without anxiety, and today, I am back to writing in the morning—“i.e. do the hard thing first thing in the morning”—eating the frog.  Lol

5 Steps to Flow

1.       Control attention. This is essentially the power of now. What you notice and what you pay attention to is your experience. When you are intensely concentrating on doing something, you’re essentially directing your attention to the task. As opposed to thinking about other things: such as maybe what time it is, or what are you gonna have for dinner, or who are you going to be going out with later that day. So maintaining your flow means maintaining or controlling your attention. Controlling your consciousness means controlling the quality of your experience.

2.       Adapt. Happy people have the ability to enjoy their lives even when their financial conditions or other material conditions are lacking. Even if their goals are not reached, they follow the following guideline: they are open to new and different experiences and they continue to learn every day.

3.       Learn what flows. Interestingly most people actually experience flow at work instead of at home. At home, we have a tendency to get in front of the TV and watch while zoning. At work, sometimes, the work is challenging and then we get in the zone. However, we have a tendency to think that work is boring and work is work. While we think at home is naturally what we like to do. In fact, we experience more flow at work in general.

4.       Transform routine tasks. A lot of time is wasted waiting. Instead of just waiting, you may want to think about what you may actually be doing that’s interesting for you to do. While waiting in the doctor’s waiting room, listening to perhaps music, you might want to tap to the music, for example, the bass line in the music (if you are a musician). So you transform what is generally boring or routine into something that’s interesting for you.

5.       Flow in conversation. Many of us believe that conversations can be boring or routine. However, you can actually experience flow by talking to people by being in the present and really following what the person is saying. You can prompt what they’re talking about by asking questions, and following up with questions like: “and then what happened” or “why do you think that” or thinking about what emotion is that speaker feeling”.

9.       Savouring

While flow is being in the moment doing the activity and unaware of time or space, savoring is the awareness of being able to look to see what you’re doing and appreciating and being grateful for what’s happening. This is another version of being in the moment, being aware of being in the moment. Savoring though can also be remembering the past and the events that were in the past or relishing the future that’s about to come. These both are elements of savoring. So savoring can be for events that are in the past, present, and future. There are many different strategies for savoring. Savoring bring can be fostered and it’s been shown through research that people who are inclined to savor were more confident, extroverted, gratified, less hopeless, and less neurotic.

1.       Relish Ordinary Experiences.

Research has shown that one can be taught how to savor ordinary experience of your daily routines and rituals. For example, you can be taught how to enjoy eating and lingering over the sweetness or crunchiness of what you’re eating. Or feel great about the accomplishment of a task at home or work. Or taking a hot shower after your bike during the day. Or experience one or two things during the day and experience them differently by enhancing all their senses.

This is very similar to when I learned how to mindfully eat in meditation. You can actually meditate while eating by chewing your food consciously and deliberately and savoring every taste and experience that you’re having. It was interesting to actually do that as an exercise and to see what a difference it could make to be completely conscious of your eating. I remember being conscious of moving my food from the left to your right side of my mouth. How many times I chewed before swallowing the food. How and what happened when I swallowed; the feelings of what I had while swallowing. This is being in the power of the now and being aware of it and how amazing it is.

2.       Savor and Reminiscence with Family and Friends.

Often it’s easier to share and savor positive experiences with each other. Whether you’re hiking, visiting gardens, and of course, just having a wonderful meal or listening to songs, it’s easier to reminiscent with others. It’s been shown that those who reminiscent with each others are accompanied by abundant positive emotions such as joy, amusement, contentment, and pride.

3.       Transport Yourself.

The ability to transport yourself to other places and time can provide both pleasure and comfort when you need it most you can just comfort yourself by thinking about a bike ride in a place that’s enjoyable or taking you to our garden or reminiscence about the positive aspects of your dreams or ideals studies have shown that people who have positive reminiscence actually increase their perspective positively Ann only 2% actually claimed that it did nothing for them

4.       Replay Happy Days.

Just replaying your happy days can actually increase your happiness. It was found that people who replay their happiness events for 8 minutes per day on three consecutive days felt more intense positive emotions for four weeks later. That’s just incredible. So

I will repeat that. For 3 consecutive days, replay your happiest moments for the day. Then for the next month, you will feel way happier. I will be trying this Savoring for April to June 2021 and if it works for me, for life. LOL.

5.       Celebrate Good News.

Just by sharing your good news and celebrating it, that’s a way of savoring.

6.       Beauty and Excellence.

Savouring can occur when we are in awe and aware we are in awe of beauty and excellence. We can be in awe at the wonderful things that are going on and watch beautiful virtuous magnificent things. Whether it’s the sports page, walking in the park, watching a movie, admiring the trees, or the skylight of the day, we can be mindful and in awe. Again this is the power of now.

People who practice mindfulness in Zen Buddhism are models of flourishing positive mental health relative to the average person. They are happier, more optimistic, self-confident, satisfied with their life, and less likely to be depressed, angry, anxious, etc.

People who are mindful of their current experiences are more likely to experience frequent and intense positive emotions. They tend to feel self-sufficient and competent versus those who are not mindful and report less illness and physical symptoms.

7.       Taking Pleasure in the Senses.

Again this is like that exercise of chewing and eating in the moment. However small, moments of savoring using the senses bring happiness whether you’re tasting your chocolate, smelling of the aromas in a bakery, or listening to birds sing. Just increasing and indulging the senses is a key way of promoting savoring.

8.       Creating a Savoring Album.

You can take pictures and then look back at those photographs and savor the great moments that you had in the past. You can savor with a camera by capturing on a daily basis one great moment per day for say 30 days or 365 days but remember to capture the moment and not be fussy and indulging in the picture so the moment is lost.

Seek bittersweet experiences, which is also done in gratitude studies. Bittersweet are the times that, for example, you know the end is coming at the end of a vacation or the end of a great dinner, but at those moments you can recall. Remember the great moment that you’re having now and though it’s bittersweet that it will end, you can savor the great experience you are having now.

Waxing nostalgic is also a way of Savoring. This is about recalling the past and remembering nostalgia. Those who can actually think about the past and wax nostalgically have more positive feelings, reinforce her sense of being loved and protected, and even boost self-esteem.

A note about writing and savoring. For whatever reason, while writing is good for gratitude journals and for thinking, it is actually not good for savoring. Apparently, when we’re thinking about it we get into the writing and not into the savoring, so don’t write while you’re savoring at the same time.

10.     Committing to Your Goals

“If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double Dahlias in his garden, or looking for dinosaur eggs in the Gobi Desert.” By W. Beran Wolf. 

People who have goals are far happier than people who do not have dreams or aspirations.  Goals can be projects, lifelong goals at work, or making family, social or spiritual life more meaningful.  The actual process of working towards the goal is just as important as the attainment of the goal.

Creating and pursuing the goals have many benefits including:

1. Provides a sense of purpose and a feeling of control over our lives.
2. Bolsters self-esteem, and makes us more confident and efficacious.
3. Adds structure and meaning to our lives.
4. Helps us master the use of our time.
5. During times of hardship and crisis, the pursuit of goals actually helps us cope with problems.
6. Involves engaging with other people—and as previously discussed, social connections are happiness-inducing in and of themselves.

What Kinds of Goals Should We Pursue?

Intrinsic vs Extrinsic.  

Studies have shown that intrinsic goals are more satisfying than extrinsic goals which have an end goal such as money, beauty, or fame. 

Authentic Goals vs  Inauthentic Goals.  

Are these goals you have chosen or are they chosen by your parents or society?  I have recently realized that I have a strong definition of success given to me by society that I need to be rich to be successful.  My new definition of success is how well am doing my best daily to meet my personal mission in life to use my gifts to be an exemplar and to help others to be their best as we create a better world. 

Approach-Oriented vs Avoidance Oriented.  Are you trying not to be fat (avoidance) vs to be a healthy eater?  Focusing on negative goals has a tendency to be self-fulling. 

Harmonious vs Conflicting Goals.  Make sure your goals are not conflicting with one another.  This will make you feel stressed and discouraged and you will probably give up both goals if they are conflicted goals.

Activity-based vs Circumstance-based.  Taking up a new activity vs buying a new high definition TV gives more happiness over time due to the hedonistic adaption of circumstance-based goals.

Flexible/appropriate vs Rigid/inappropriate.  The priorities we place on our goals change over time.  In our youth, we probably choose to have dinner with our favorite author versus our favorite aunt (which older people choose). 

Recommendations for Committed Goal Pursuit

Choose Wisely.  Note the kinds of goals you can pursue. Check your goals list against the types you choose to pursue i.e. intrinsic, authentic, approach-oriented, etc.  You can check and create new goals by pursuing Steven Covey’s Eulogy exercise in Seven Habits of Effective People.

“In your mind’s eye, see yourself going to the funeral of a loved one. Picture yourself driving to the funeral parlor or chapel, parking the car, and getting out. As you walk inside the building, you notice the flowers, the soft organ music. You see the faces of friends and family you pass along the way. You feel the shared sorrow of losing, the joy of having known, that radiates from the hearts of the people there.

As you walk down to the front of the room and look inside the casket, you suddenly come face to face with yourself. This is your funeral, three years from today. All these people have come to honor you, to express feelings of love and appreciation for your life.

As you take a seat and wait for the services to begin, you look at the program in your hand. There are to be four speakers. The first is from your family, immediate and also extended —children, brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents who have come from all over the country to attend. The second speaker is one of your friends, someone who can give a sense of what you were as a person. The third speaker is from your work or profession. And the fourth is from your church or some community organization where you’ve been involved in service.

Now think deeply. What would you like each of these speakers to say about you and your life? What kind of husband, wife, father, or mother would like their words to reflect? What kind of son or daughter or cousin? What kind of friend? What kind of working associate?

What character would you like them to have seen in you? What contributions, what achievements would you want them to remember? Look carefully at the people around you. What difference would you like to have made in their lives?”

Own Your Goals. 

Make sure you write the goals and are pursuing the goals that you “own the goal” and “make it rewarding”.  So truly structure and pursue goals that are really yours and are meaningful to your life.  If you are working on an office project, transform it into a goal that is tied to your own development of your career or a deeper value like lifelong learning.

Commit, with Passion. 

You can also formally announce your goals.  One study showed that those who made their New Years’ resolution were 10X more likely to succeed (now I don’t know how the authors calculated that %, but I think it shows that those committed to goals succeeds.)

Create Self-Fulfilling Prophecies. 

If you feel confident you will succeed, then you are more likely to succeed.  This reminds me of a very interesting exercise to make things more possible. 

Find where in your body do you feel when something is “inevitable.”  Now find in your body the place where you store/feel “possible.”  And then find in your body where you store “impossible.”  So you have 3 places in your body where you store the feelings inevitable, possible, impossible.  Where in your body is your current goal?  If it is impossible, move it to the possible in your body.  If it is possible, then move it to inevitable.  And when you move it to the new spot, listen to your body for the steps you need to take to get it to the new stage and just do it.

Baby Steps: Break Down Your Goals. 

This one is more obvious.  Break down your goals into smaller and smaller pieces and eventually, you’ll be able to do it all. Like the saying goes, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

Don’t Undermine Intrinsic Motivation. 

Often we mess up a good thing by undermining our goals.  An experiment was done by dividing kids into two groups: ones that played with markers received a good player reward versus those that played with markers for fun.  Now note that both started playing with markers for fun.  However, the group that received a reward for playing with markers eventually stopped playing with markers because they associated it with being a duty or work.

Taking Care of Your Body and Soul

11.     Religion and Spirituality. 

Well, this one is the most surprising to me.  Studies after study show that religious (attend service) and (spiritual (believe in God) people) are healthier and happier, more satisfied with life, and cope better with life issues. In one study, 47% of people who attend religious service several times a week describe themselves as very happy versus only 28% who attend only less than once per month.  In another study, those who have had serious cardiac surgery were 3 times more likely to be alive six months later if they were religious. 

The issue is that researchers don’t know why.  Some researchers speculate it’s because participating in religious activities has greater social networks, therefore they are reaping the benefits of social interaction.  Others speculate that the supportive relationship of having a one-to-one relationship with God helps you to find meaning in your life and unconditional love.  

If you feel called to religious or spiritual activities, just do the things that call to you.  For most of 2020, I said prayers in the Catholic Religion which I grew up in.  However, I will equally attend both a Buddhist temple or church when I feel the need to be close to God. 

12.     Taking Care of Your Body and Meditation

Meditation

There is now an avalanche of studies that shows meditation has positive effects on happiness, optimism, stress reduction, increased cognitive abilities, and better physical health. 

In one study, workers underwent an 8-week program in mindfulness meditation (probably just following the breath).  Compared to the control group, the meditators showed increased activity in the left prefrontal cortex, relative to the right.  Increased activity in the left is observed in happier people.  Thus the research was in line that mediation produces greater happiness, less anxiety, and less depression.  In this same study, the meditators produced a greater immune response to the influenza vaccine.

If there is one habit that I encourage people to practice, it is meditation or some mindfulness practice.  Buddha thought meditation to the world because he believed it was the easiest and best way to reduce man’s suffering which is mostly caused by wrong thinking. By the way, I am not a Buddhist and Not Pushing Religion. Just noting the benefits of meditation which is a way to watch your thoughts and get connected to your true self.

Physical Activity

In my series on health, there are numerous reasons why physical exercise is important.  One large-scale intervention has confirmed that physical exercise is the number one instant happiness booster of all activities.  One of my favorite studies shows that physical exercise outperforms Prozac in making people feel happier and produces similar levels of serotonin. 

Physical activity is also often done with other people which produces the social effects of happiness, makes you feel in control of your life and body, provides for moments of flow, and long-term benefits of feeling healthier.

Caveat.  If you feel bad exercising, you are either overdoing or not doing something you find fun.  Change until you find some form of movement that you like.  

While Mediation and Physical exercise are almost last in the list, these are probably two of the most effective means of increasing your happiness, for some people.

Acting Like A Happy Person

Well, this is an interesting one.  Research has shown that when you physically force your smile, you actually feel happier.  This is in line with body posture studies such as the power pose.  So if you want to feel happier, just smile and you will feel happier. 

Interestingly, one of the big things I have noticed after my Clear Beliefs course is that I am smiling more.  In the beginning, my triad partners used to say that I didn’t smile.  Now often, I have a silly grin on my face.  The smile produces happiness.  And happiness produces a smile that produces happiness.  A perfect circle.  I also now know that due to Clear Beliefs, I was able to connect to myself, which helped produce vitality and joy.